I tried to stand in a way which showed them off to their best advantage, hoping that this would lessen my punishment out of a desire not to harm anything so splendid as myself (and I say this in truthful modesty, for I am most beauteous)."Esme Winterblossom," she intoned, as her Nubian servant brushed her long blonde curls behind her, "you stand accused of the crime of conjugal relations commenced without first offering yourself to your captain. Have you anything to say for yourself?" I know of no civilized place on earth where such is a crime," I said. "Indeed, I can only wonder what must be the history of yourself and your crew, that natural modesty should come to be conceived of as a crime." For, you see, I had conceived a desperate plan that if I encouraged Miranda to speak about how she had come to be so debauched and cruel, she might in turn take pity on one so much younger and more innocent than herself."You wonder what my history is?" she said, clearly surprised by my. What you gay blokes get up to with each other's backdoors is yer own business.' "Then he says back, 'Do you enjoy an anal component to your own lovemaking, Dave? If you don't mind the question...' "And I shrug and say, 'I don't really go in for that meself, to be honest. When ya girlfriend's got a letterbox round the front, the postman doesn't need to go round the back that often..." "Then Paul or whatever he was called pulls off from eatin' laddo's arse and says, 'Well, as two men we have two postmen, Dave. And they both make all of their deliveries round the back!'" "Oh Jesus!" Brian laughed. "He's on about shaggin' each other's arses!" I nodded – I'd known full well what he'd been on about – and went on, "So then he says, 'Would you mind very much if our postmen made their deliveries before we treat you to breakfast?' "And I say back, 'Do whatever you like, mate! I didn't even know breakfast was included.'" Brian looked at me in disbelief. "You're not gonna tell me they did gay.
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